There is so much propaganda and misinformation surrounding marriage, especially Biblical marriage. I am not the authority on Biblical marriage, so I’m not making this post to assert any doctrines, but rather to finally highlight marriage myths that I don’t follow and why! Some of these are not just poisonous to our marriages, but they are detrimental to our relationship to Yah and can make us liabilities in our communities. Lets get into it!
1. Women must submit no matter what
Some men are evil and wicked. The Scripture says wives should submit to their husbands, not that women must submit to men period. Not every woman is a wife, and not every man is a husband. If a man is asking a woman to partake in something evil like child abuse, murder, theft, adultery, or inordinate sexual acts, then no, that woman is not required to submit.
And more importantly, many sisters will fall into the trap of blaming ‘submission’ for their pure stupidity in doing wicked things. But when we stand before YHWH on That Day, we will have to account for our own deeds. His Word says
“Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.”
Philippians 2:12.
women must take accountability and not be mislead by a blind man in the name of “being a good wife”. Think about Princess Abigail, before she was a princess, she had a wicked stubborn husband who offended King David. King David was going to slaughter him and everyone on his homestead. But Princess Abigail rose up, got busy, and interefered… it saved her life and her husband’s life, and earned her FAVOR with the King. We are to submit to YHWH, above all, not to man.
2. Happy wife = happy life
What scripture is that? Some wives are impossible to please. But just because we may be displeased, it doesn’t mean the whole family should be miserable. Our emotions are not our family’s burden to carry.
My husband is allowed to carry on about his business, hobbies, and rest even if I don’t feel like talking or being kind or being seen at all. My problems are not his problems. I don’t follow “happy wife equals happy life” because we don’t need human beings in order to have joy, joy is a fruit of the Spirit.
We choose to rejoice because of Yahuah. Husbands can have a happy life even without a happy wife because joy is of Yahuah. Furthermore, refusing to be kind, lighthearted or calm just because we want to punish our husband is unholy. Acting out when we don’t get our way is called throwing a tantrum. And that’s what kids do, not what grown Biblical women do.
When you do what’s GOOD even when you don’t feel like doing it, that’s maturity, discipline and honor. That’s virtue. And that includes being a good wife.
3. Husband comes before kids (hear me out)
It’s not a competition. This is where many people fall short when it comes to this conversation of who is more important to a woman… the children and the husband are not enemies, they are not at war, it’s not a competition.
Titus instructs older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands and to love their children. Where does it say she must prioritize one over the other, or that one is more important than the other?
A good wife will love them both. Yes, they require different kinds of love in different seasons. A husband is her covering, her children are her garden. Both require patience, maintenance, and individual 1 on 1 time and watering in the Word.
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Galatians 3:28
4. A wife’s job is to provide a clean home and hot meals
Again, what Scripture is that? As far as I understand, a wife’s job is to keep her husband company, and be a helper to him. Because Genesis says, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Gen 2:18)
A husband should not be alone, and he should not be tackling his life without her help. Not every man needs his wife to cook and clean, some husbands can afford to hire help with those matters. Women are not glorified maids and nannies who just so happen to be available for sex on demand. We are human beings and our jobs as appointed by Yah is to be more than a slave at home.
If a man needs help from his wife at home, that’s perfectly acceptable. But some husbands need help running their businesses, or some husbands simply need help resting when they’re done working and this means the wife helps him by being soft, feminine and rested herself.
A wife’s job is whatever she and that man agree is her job, in Yahuah. Not every marriage is the same, not every man’s needs are the same. And we put ourselves in bondage and place unnecessary expectations on ourselves with these strict boxes that Yahuah never prescribed for us.
5. Husbands don’t have to help in the home
I see a lot of this circulating in many marriage discussion from all religious groups. Women are being taught by men and other women that if a man provides then he has no responsibility to the home. I even see people saying that even if the woman pays the bills or they split bills, then the man still shouldn’t have to do anything inside the home except tend to the lawn and vehicles.
Listen, nobody “has” to do anything. We are not slaves. If a husband doesn’t want to do something, nobody is going to force him, just like a wife cannot be forced to do anything. My issue with this myth is that women are taking on more than they can chew. We have historically always lived communally. Mom lived with us, grandma was only a few blocks away. We would split housework, grandma would take the kids on the weekends, everybody would help cook the big Sunday family dinner.
We don’t have that same community these days. Women are finding themselves cooking, cleaning, managing the affairs AND raising kids all on their own, no mom, grandma or husband in sight. And because of this, many women cannot be wives. They can never switch out of nanny mode, work mule mode, or slave mode. Especially if they are also working part/full time and paying bills.
If a husband is unwilling to help his wife or supply her with the help she needs to stop slaving and start wifing, then he cannot be surprised when she sees him as nothing more than another one of her kids. And what woman would willingly have sex with a kid? Oop!
6. Wives must wake up before sunrise as the only way to have me-time
False. A wife should definitely wake up before everyone else if she expects to get me-time on a day to day basis, especially if she has children. But this isn’t the only way to have me-time. Who says wives can’t go workout alone, have a solo picnic, take a drive, or visit the library by herself?
I hate seeing this “wake up early, wake up early, wake up early” as the ONLY way a woman will get time to herself. Some women work overnight. Some women have newborns on irregular sleep schedules. Some women have insomnia or other medical conditions. Her family should be accommodating and willing to compromise so that mom can get some time alone as often as she needs it, within reason.
I am personally a “wake up early” supremacist. But there are other ways and times to get some personal space and it’s not fair form season to season that women must sacrifice their rest if they want any type of quietude.
7. Wives shouldn’t work outside the home
The proverbial woman considered a field and bought it. She was like a merchant’s ship (i.e. she was like Amazon). She makes fine linen and sells it. With the fruit of her hands, she plants a vineyard.
I don’t think I’ve seen a single Scripture in my entire life barring wives from doing work outside the home. Yes, there is emphasis on being the keeper of the home. But for some seasons for many women, there is external work to be done.
In fact, I would go so far as to argue that for all of human history women have had to work. It was the ruling class of women who had servants, that always got to sit around, drink tea, and gossip. Every group of women has always worked and has worked hard. Doing laundry by hand, raising and slaughtering their own meat, engaging in trade, teaching in schools, helping in churches, etc. Women working is as normal as men killing.
I just think of all the times in the Bible Israelite men went to war… what were their wives doing… just sitting there looking stupid?
However, my personal philosophy (emphasis on PERSONAL) is that a woman should marry a man who won’t demand she be his work mule. Some men take advantage of women’s work ethic. A woman should seek a man who will let his wife work if she wants, but his will and desire is to take care of her to the best of his ability, because that’s his job. Not every man can do this for his wife in every single season. That’s okay, and that’s where the wife’s virtues have a chance to shine. We are to help our husbands after all…
8. A woman’s silence is more powerful than her voice
“[There is] a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.”
Ecclesiastes 3:7
What did Queen Esther do? She saved her people with her WORDS to the king, in Yahuah.
Every animal is born knowing the most critical skill of their life. Horses are born knowing how to run, fish are born knowing how to swim, birds are born knowing how to sing. What do humans do? We cry. We open our mouths and cry out! Words are so powerful, with Words the foundations of the earth were laid.
Silence is also an extremely powerful tool. Silence is part of talking. Pauses, breaths and patience are equally as important as enunciation, verbiage and pace. Our mistake as women is not that we are talking too much, it’s often that we don’t value silence as much as we value our own voices.
Silence has been used to harm almost every single woman who has ever lived. So we naturally grow weary of it. But I’m here to say silence can be extremely beautiful. We shouldn’t let silence take away our voice completely. But the beautiful thing about silence, is that’s when we are able to really tune into that Quiet Voice from Above…. the one Who Whispers. Silence is also the absolute most powerful weapon during times of war. Many nations are proactive about radio silence during wartime, so that your enemy cannot interfere in communications, so that your enemy doesn’t know all of your moves, and so your enemy is left lost and confused on how to combat plans that they can’t even fully anticipate.
The key is having discernment. Some occasions call for words, and some don’t, and we must have the wisdom to see this.
9. It’s best to suffer in silence
Again, horses are born knowing how to walk, fish are born knowing how to swim, humans are born knowing how to cry out! Yes, everything done in the dark will come to light. But we don’t get rewarded for suffering as much as possible with as little resistance as possible. And in fact, we are punished for suffering, by everyone and all societal systems that exist.
If a wife is suffering or having troubles in marriage, it’s okay to open up to a friend or trusted spiritual adviser. That person may give her wisdom or encouragement or point her to resources available. Closed mouths don’t get fed. We all need help sometimes, and sometimes that help just looks like a listening ear.
10. Israelite couples don’t need marital counseling
Every couple, no matter the religion, should be getting regular mentorship and assessment from an older married couple whom they BOTH trust and respect, that is NOT family. I have seen plenty of Israelite men who refuse therapy, who refuse standard preventative wellness visits, who do not believe in counseling. The reasons are far and many, but the truth is we can’t do it alone. We exist in a community, and Titus gives the perfect exhortation for elders to teach the younger people— for older men to teach the husbands and for older women to teach the wives.
We must be careful to guard ourselves from mixing the culture with the Scripture. There are a lot of things that religion and culture push on marriage and women that is NOT found in the Word of Yahuah. Yahuah has grace and love awaiting us in all stages of our lives, and as wives it’s up to us to be receptive of it. HalleluYAH and Amen.
