On Fear of Sharing Your Testimony and Trusting His Faithfulness

Everyone has a testimony, a life that is a witness and testament to Yahuah’s faithfulness. That’s my belief. And if someone doesn’t think they have a testimony or that they’ve never witnessed His faithfulness, I only challenge them to think a little longer.

He gets us to work on time; he blesses us to safely chew and swallow nourishing food; he keeps our lips from deceit, from ensnaring ourselves with our mouths! He guards and keeps us in the small ways daily, yes, and are not to be discounted nor overlooked… The big ways are beautiful, too– the once a year things, the miracle money and the miracle pregnancy and the house and the mercy in the courtroom, and we all have received such marvelous grace and blessings from On High.

In 2019 I asked The Most High to blow my mind. That if He was real, and He was listening, and if He was as Wonderful as people say He is, then He would surely be able to blow my mind. At the time, I didn’t know what I was asking for, but He took me on a ride full of wonder, awe, amazement… to this day, I am still being blown away by Yah.

Since 2019, He been so kind as to:

show me my sin and make me to remember things I’ve forgotten, oaths I’d sworn to Him that I didn’t keep but He did!
blessed me with a kind, loving, generous, and wise husband
led me to fuller modesty not just in clothing but of speech, mannerism, habits and desires
blessed me to withstand a court of (family) law with NO LAWYER and come out victorious HALLELUYAH
blessed me to uncover witchcraft and sorcery in my life, and rebuke it with the power of His Might
blessed me with the money and motion to move to Virginia to be with my husband, and gave me a free flight from Texas!
Blessed us with a brand new car
touched my ‘little blog’ and use it to reach His daughters near and far
put me into rooms I never imagined for myself and bless me to represent Him on the Dr Daf show
bless me to fulfill my goal of hosting a journaling club for believing women
restored my relationship with my mother, and it is completely new
delivered me from poverty and set me in His secure place!

I could seriously go on and on, and it hasn’t even been 10 years yet. I sought Him and He heard me, even when I didn’t think He did. When that Good Book says “Ask and ye shall receive” you’d better believe it’s the truth and yield that connection with discernment, patience, and tact, because He hears us.

Before this point in my life, before 2019 when I truly began to seek Him, I was leaning entirely on my own understanding, even if I convinced myself I wasn’t. I thought I was a Christ follower, I thought I was repentant, I thought I was good, but I was actually on my way to She’ol. I was following after a man who wasn’t my husband, I was rebellious against any type of authority or rebuke, and I was determined to continue in my way until the end of the path, even though the signs pointed to danger. And boy did I find that danger, and it was like a whip that cracked me on the back, the kind of pain that takes your breath away.

This pain was so intense, I thought the only relief was to end my life. That was my plan. There was no way Yah could love me, not really, in my mind. He was not real, and people were under religious psychosis, and my life could only get better if I ended it. So I had my plan in motion, and asked God to speak to me if He was real, and as I prepared to end it, I heard Him loud and clear:

“If you do this, you will regret it forever.”

There I was, thinking my “forever” was ending right there. So what did He mean I’d regret it forever. Was I even going to live forever? I’d thought the life I had on earth was the only real life. I had to stop and think about whether that was the truth, and if I didn’t believe that was the truth, was I willing to gamble it right then and there by ending it anyway? The answer was no.

At that point, I was at rock bottom. And like any addict will tell you, rock bottom is the only place that can make someone see themself for the first time, like truly and wholly see yourself, your darkness, your bondage. I had lost everything, I didn’t have any friends or family, no money, no hope, no faith. I only thought there was no way I wanted to spend eternity regretting that decision.

Somehow I had to find the courage and strength to rebuild my life. Even though it was His voice that saved my life that day, I did not immediately run towards Him; my heart was still hardened. And instead of taking accountability in that moment for putting myself in rock bottom with my pride, stupidity and rebellion, I blamed it on Yah and began to despise Him. At that time, I proclaimed to be a Hebrew Israelite, but that’s not the same as walking in repentance.

It wasn’t immediately manifest, but in 2018, I turned to witchcraft and entertained the idea of idol worship. In my mind, these were God’s gifts, and I found comfort in the spiritual experiences I started having, as they were “prof” of the unseen. It was like doing drugs, but there’s nothing like that first hit, and you’ll spend the rest of your life in search of that feeling that’s never coming back. That’s the reality of addiciton.

I found myself homeless and I went back to my small hometown to live with my mother again. It was then that the deception began to fall off my eyes. I saw my need for the Most High, but I didn’t really see His requirements of me as worth the effort. So I sought Him as far as it kept me comfortable, just enough that I can be a “good” Israelite, but when He wanted that serious thing from me, I preserved my own understanding.

One thing I knew I wanted and needed and could only get from Him, was a husband. And when I started to seek Him for that, He showed me that the man I had in my life at that time was NOT my husband and therefor I had to let him go. Funnily enough, I thought it would be hard, because breakups were always hard for me in the past. But I was so certain this was Yahuah’s will, that I did it the same day, and the spiritual relief I felt was instantaneous and miraculous.

That was Semptember 2018. In October 2018, I met my husband online. We spoke for two weeks, and I fell in love. I knew he was going to be my husband. Our hearts were in fellowship in a way I’d never felt with anyone else. But we did not even meet in person until April 2021, a whole year after we got married. From 2018, to 2021, Yahuah put us in the flames of trial and especially me, who had to learn to love someone without letting them become an idol to me. To love someone, without being touched by them, without allowing them to touch me. I had never known this concept.

I used to laugh at women who claimed celibacy. “There’s no way I can go that long without sex!” I’d say. Kind of in the same way I laughed at women who wore the niqab. And then I ended up observing both– at the same time.

In that chapter of my life that I embraced a long distance relationship, Yah used that space to shine a light on my whoredoms, sex addiction, and Jezebal spirit that was on me. My husband and I set out to do a 40 day fast in 2020, and during this fast, Yahuah reminded me of a vow I’d made when I was 13, maybe still 12.

This part of my testimony is so hard to share, but Yahuah is going to get His glory. I was fasting, praising Yah, asking Him to speak to me, to bring to remembrance anything good I’d forgotten and to have my mind. He reminded me when I made a vow to Him that I would put away whoredom if He’d heal me.

I was so shocked when that memory came into my mind. For one, I was 12 when it happened. Secondly, Yah actually healed me, and I went right back to whoredoms a week later. I’d pushed it so far out of my mind and drowned out the sound of His voice with my addiction. So in 2020 when He reminded me of this vow, and His faithfulness to me in that, I knew that only meant one thing:

I still had a vow to uphold. He still wanted me, He still required me to keep true to my word, because He’d kept true to His! And who was I to deny my Lord of any good thing He desired of me?

People like to call me overzealous, a Pharisee, over-religious, in a cult; accuse me of overcompensating; say I’m lost or confused; or just plain old crazy. Christians, Jews and Israelites in particular like to look at my niqab and say EXTREME. But if people knew my testimony, and knew my experience with The Most High EL… Was King David extreme? Was Abraham extreme when he prepared to sacrifice Isaac? What about Moses? Was Yashuah extreme? Was John the Baptist extreme? Was Judith or Noah or Mary of Magdelene or Enoch extreme? Sure, according to the culture of their respective times, they were considered extreme. I will get used to being called Extreme, and I will embrace it, because to be counter-cultural is to be different from the masses, and I can’t afford for my life to be like the masses’.

Earlier this year, I appeared on the Dr Daf debate show called The Bridge, on YouTube, in an episode entitled Jews vs Christians vs Hebrew Israelites. I plan to share more about my experience in the actual debate, but I want to share a moment from behind the scenes.

Prior to filming, all the ladies were in the lounge and dressing rooms. I had the opportunity to talk to a sister, who was curious about my faith and POV, and to my surprise, I started to share this very testimony I’ve written here, about my broken vow and restoration and redidcation to Yahuah. Shockingly, I could hardly speak clearly because I was crying so hard. What’s so funny is before I left the hotel that morning, I was just praying for Yahuah to empty me of me, and get the glory. I did not know that that would happen in sharing my actual testimony.

I did not know I would be brought to tears, because I’ve become a woman whose against crying ( he’s restoring my femininity ). I did not know I would even have the courage to tell a stranger about my past addictions or the salvation I found in Yah. I did not know that that moment would inspire me to keep sharing it, to keep talking about His wonderful, marvelous Deeds in such an intimate way.

Because before then, I was so afraid. Afraid of being judged, called names, mocked; afraid of people scoffing at my husband for marrying me; afraid of pointing fingers– something every woman will experience in her lifetime, and it sucks. I’d experienced that my entire life, and I wanted it to be done.

But for the first time ever, on that day we filmed that episode, there was no one standing there pointing at me. There were also no men in the room LOL coincidence? I think NOT (just kidding, I love my brothers). And wouldn’t you know, not only did Yah get the glory in me just then, He also blessed another sister to open up in that instance and tell a bit about her story and addiction, and that moment of holy connection would not have been possible if I have clammed up and shut down like I used to do.

Testimony is powerful. Honesty and vulnerability brings women and humanity together. Brings together races, religions, ages. Yahuah’s glory unites what is fragmented.

I will never forget being at a baby shower, and meeting new people. I was certainly the only Israelite, and I had my six month old baby boy with me. My friend the hostess introduced me to her pastor and his wife. I asked about her children, if she had any. She did, and she spoke about them with love in her eyes. I asked about parenting with hubby, but I didn’t know this was her second marriage, that he was not the father of her adult children. You should’ve seen the shame and darkness that came over her eyes when she said, “They’re not his kids, I had them before I met him…”

I knew that look, that feeling… because I too had a child out of wedlock, when I was a teenager. And I told her as much. “Oh,” I said just as her head dropped. “Me too! This is my husband’s first,” I gestured to the baby in my lap. “But my second.”

Her eyes lit up, and she laughed a little. She realized nobody was there to point a finger in her face. No one at all. HalleluYah, He gets the glory. Testimonies reveal the truth, that we are not alone. Our experiences are not entirely unique. We are not unique in our sin or flaws. All of us have fallen, but testimonies more than anything show that despite being fallen, His Fortress cannot be shaken!

I’ll type it again: His Fortress cannot be shaken!

Have you shared you testimony yet? It’s taken me over 15 years to share mine, but that’s okay. We have eternity to glorify Yah, but I just prefer to do it right now. Amen? Fear has no power over Heaven, fear has no power over Love, fear has no power over Truth. If you have a testimony and Yahuah has brought you through something great or small, you have to share it. You have to glorify Him. You have to stop being afraid that there will be a finger pointing in your face.

If He was faithful to get you through that thing, He’s faithful to get you through this one, even if it’s just as simple as saying, “Yahuah saved me!” NO need for elaborate speeches or long blog posts like these. Actually, the less words the better! You don’t gotta tell all your business, either. Just give Yah the credit, and denounce fear, and walk in His Love.