No matter what social media app I open, I will find a woman complaining about her husband. And mainly, his expectations.

He expects her to keep a clean house, even though he doesn’t help.

He expects her to raise well-behaved children, even though he isn’t a fully present father.

He expects their sex life to be like adult movies, even though her pleasure is of no concern to him.

He expects her to be a chef in the kitchen, even though their food comes from a donation pantry.

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Wives are frustrated. The workload seems imbalanced. Homemaking and motherhood is a thankless job, and sometimes it even seems like the world hates you for it. And to top it all off, the hardest expectations to fulfill come from… hubby?

Or are they coming from ourselves? What does your husband expect from you, that he explicitly stated with his own mouth?

I know what –>I<– expected from me as a wife: 3 hot meals a day, a spotless kitchen at the end of every night, a perfect waist, a consistent 5am morning routine, daily styled hair, fully dressed every day, and never too tired or slumped to have exciting sex.

I quickly learned that I was being unrealistic. Living up to these expectations is good for a while, but as life comes at you, it gets harder and harder to maintain. Then you start to question: what’s most important on this list? Food, hygiene, and me-time. That’s bare minimum. I’ve learned to build on these three. We all have to eat, we all need a clean space and body, and we all need dedicated time in Yahuah’s Word.

But this “bare minimum” on many days can feel like all we’ve got to give. From the outside (to our family, husband and even strangers online), it doesn’t look like a triumph just to cook, or clean, or not sleep in. But people don’t know how exhausting homemaking and motherhood 24/7 is. It’s draining. I think that feeling of being “drained” can come from made-up expectations that we think our husbands hold, that he never expressed.

When I ask my husband what He expects, its usually things like kindness, joy, and presence. If he’s not specific beyond that, then I tend to take artistic liberty to fill in the gaps. Kindness must mean serving; joy must mean serving with a smile; presence must mean always being available to serve… right?

It’s natural to wonder (and I see this in most housewives): “Would this person still love me the same if I never served them again a day in their life?”

Questions like these can also be applied to Yahuah… the answer is yes, He would still love you, but maybe He wouldn’t be happy or fulfilled.

Why should we care about someone else’s happiness if we ourselves are unhappy? Why should someone else’s happiness be our burden to carry? Why are we expected to live our life for someone else…

At the core of this conflict, believe it or not, is a resentment for the calling of Christ.

The Calling of Christ: A Scripture-Based List (KJV)

1. Esteeming Children

Christ welcomes children and holds them up as the picture of kingdom-belonging.

• Matthew 19:14: “But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”
• Mark 9:37: “Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me…”
• Matthew 18:10: “Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones…”

2. Serving the Needy

Serving the hungry, poor, and afflicted is counted as serving Christ himself.

• Matthew 25:40: “…Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”
• Luke 4:18: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor…”
• James 1:27: “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction…”

3. Not Being a Respecter of Persons

God shows no favoritism, and neither should his people.

• Acts 10:34: “…Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons.”
• James 2:1: “My brethren, have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with respect of persons.”
• Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”

4. Honoring Marriage

Marriage is a God-joined covenant, and a picture of Christ’s love for the church.

• Matthew 19:6: “…What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
• Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…”
• Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

5. Being Willing to Die for Others

Christ laid down his life, and his followers are called to the same self-giving love.

• John 15:13: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
• 1 John 3:16: “…he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”
• Romans 5:8: “…while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

6. Giving Our Lives Completely to God

Discipleship is total surrender, not partial devotion.

• Luke 9:23: “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.”
• Romans 12:1: “…present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”
• Matthew 22:37: “…Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.”
• Galatians 2:20: “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me…”

7. Continually Forgiving Sins

Forgiveness has no limit, because we have been forgiven much.

• Matthew 18:21-22: Peter asks, “…till seven times?” and Jesus answers, “…I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”
• Ephesians 4:32: “…forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
• Colossians 3:13: “…even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
• Luke 23:34: “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

8. Hard Work

Christ’s followers work wholeheartedly, as though serving the Lord himself, and they work in order to provide and to give.

• Colossians 3:23: “And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men.”
• Ecclesiastes 9:10: “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might…”
• Proverbs 14:23: “In all labour there is profit: but the talk of the lips tendeth only to penury.”
• 2 Thessalonians 3:10: “…if any would not work, neither should he eat.”
• Ephesians 4:28: “…let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.”
• 1 Corinthians 15:58: “…be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”

9. Prayer

Christ made prayer a daily pattern, both in private and in constant dependence on the Father, and he calls his followers to do the same.

• Mark 1:35: “And in the morning, rising up a great while before day, he went out, and departed into a solitary place, and there prayed.”
• Matthew 6:6: “But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.”
• Luke 18:1: “…men ought always to pray, and not to faint.”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:17: “Pray without ceasing.”
• Philippians 4:6: “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”
• Matthew 26:39: “…nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.”

We must honor our children and all children, receiving them in Christ’s name and never despising one of them (Matthew 18:10; Mark 9:37).

We must have mercy on the afflicted, visiting the fatherless and widows in their distress, because whatever we do for the least of these we do for Christ himself (James 1:27; Matthew 25:40).

We must show no partiality, treating the rich and the poor, the stranger and the neighbor alike, since in Christ there is neither Jew nor Greek, bond nor free (James 2:1; Galatians 3:28).

We must honor marriage as a covenant God has joined: husbands must love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loved the church, and wives must reverence and honor their husbands, submitting to them as unto the Lord (Matthew 19:6; Ephesians 5:25, 5:33, 5:22).

We must be willing to lay down our lives for one another, for there is no greater love than this (John 15:13; 1 John 3:16).

We must give ourselves wholly to God, denying ourselves, taking up our cross daily, and presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice (Luke 9:23; Romans 12:1).

We must forgive without keeping count, as Christ forgave us, even seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22; Colossians 3:13).

We must work heartily, as unto the Lord, so that we have something to give to the one in need (Colossians 3:23; Ephesians 4:28).

And we must pray without ceasing, bringing everything to God and yielding to his will over our own (1 Thessalonians 5:17; Matthew 26:39).

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How can we apply this to our lives and hearts as wives? What does it look like to follow Christ completely in the way we present, the food we cook, the tenderness we show our children, the kindness we share with our husband?

Wondering or groaning about “the work” is actually a slap in the face to Yahuah, because He gave Adam a clear commandment: tame the earth and have dominion over it (Genesis 1:28). What’s under your domain right now? For me, it’s my home, my marriage, my children. I must put my hands to the plough and tame it. That’s what has been instructed of me. That’s a clear expectation.

Fear ye not me? saith the Lord: will ye not tremble at my presence, which have placed the sand for the bound of the sea by a perpetual decree, that it cannot pass it: and though the waves thereof toss themselves, yet can they not prevail; though they roar, yet can they not pass over it? But this people hath a revolting and a rebellious heart; they are revolted and gone.”

Jeremiah 5:22-23

Many of us wives can’t and probably will never admit, that the resentment we have in our hearts towards the calling of Christ, makes the fruit of rebellion blossom in our lives.

Read that again. Many women struggle with resenting Biblical womanhood, and end up rebelling against the Word. We don’t want to be ladies, raise children, or serve our husbands. But in reality, that’s not what the Bible says defines a woman or makes her valuable. She’s valuable because Yahuah made her in His Image, nothing can change that. She’s valuable because His breath is in her lungs. She’s valuable because she is the property of The King of Kings, full stop.

But that doesn’t change the fact that we must serve The King, and we can’t let feelings keep getting in the way of that assignment.

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

² And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.

³ They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:

⁴ But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.

⁵ While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

⁶ And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.

⁷ Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

⁸ And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.

⁹ But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

¹⁰ And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

¹¹ Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.

¹² But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.

¹³ Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

Matthew 25:1-13 KJV

We cannot control our husbands and how they behave, whether they follow Yeshuah, whether they love us the way we want and need to be loved. But we are in covenant, and we have made an agreement to endure, honor, and love for the duration of the marriage.

Don’t focus on the make-believe expectations from your own heart of from the world. All we as wives must do is serve The King. This mentality shift helps more than anything else, when it comes to struggling in marriage. I don’t have any perfect solutions to offer, but I will say that a perfect starting point is to commit to a complaining-free marriage, and turn away from any woman online or offline who is constantly complaining about her husband.