Work in Progress: Perfectionism and Shame in Biblical Homemaking

Imperfection shouldn’t lead to shame

I was sitting on my couch one recent evening, thinking about how I don’t speak to much of my family. Half of me was rationalizing this by recounting the things most of them have done to hurt me; the other half of me was asserting that we can’t choose family and that my behavior isn’t characteristic of love.

The second half had me feeling like a bad sister, daughter, neice, etc. Like I was a pathetic fraud who spoke about brotherly love but wasn’t quite practicing it.

All I could ask myself was “When are you going to forgive these people for rejecting you, lying on you, stealing from you, and forgetting about you? Sins you’ve also committed?”

At first I said to myself, “I did already!” Then a voice followed up with “No, you really didn’t.”

Then I had a seriously incapacitating thought: “Look at me, unable to even accomplish the most principle of all principles yet thinking I am walking in the way of Truth. Tuh!”

Ouch.

I’m sure you have an inner critic. We all do. Sometimes our inner critic makes us better, sometimes it puts us down. It was in that day and moment I realized that my inner critic was pushing me to perfectionism.

Holiness is my goal, and it is the ultimate perfection. I therefore don’t think that ‘perfection’ as defined by YAHUAH is an unrealistic goal, as long as one can accept that it is a lifelong practice.

The problem is when we don’t have any grace with ourselves for anything.

For not being able to forgive, for having a short temper, for being ignorant, for not having brotherly love, for being imperfect mothers, wives or homemakers.

This walk is a delicate balance between discipline and grace. Having the diligence to adhere to what is Written, while offering ourselves and one another the mercy of forgiveness should we fall short.

The same evening, I ended up praying about what I had been feeling because I’d been praying about forgiveness for about a year now. I just couldn’t understand why I felt that way, why I was so critical of myself, and how to work through it. What I did remember was that I had asked Yahuah to reveal my heart to me especially regarding familial and relational matters. So I took this as an answer to that prayer.

Yahuah told me, in short: “Your imperfection shouldn’t lead to shame.”

What did this mean? I took some time to ponder it. How could the realization of my imperfection not lead to the conclusion that I am worthless, unworthy, and totally useless? Was there really another destination?

In our weakness shines His strength

Psychologists and researchers alike have been studying shame for decades, and most come to the same conclusion: two types of shame hang in the balance for humanity. One type of shame promotes survival, resistance to hazards, order and autonomy. And the other type of shame threatens to destroy self worth, mental capacity, interpersonal relationships, health and even life.

The Bible makes a bit of a distinction, too. On the one hand, the Word encourages us to be shamefaced in many verses and in various circumstances. But how many times has Yahuah also said “Do not be ashamed”?

The only type of shame we should feel is the first kind, the one which promotes survival and honor. This leads to humility before Yahuah, grace before our brothers, and wisdom throughout our lifetime.

“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of HaMashayach may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for HaMashayach’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

– 2 Cor 12:9-10

As a homemaker, it’s imperative for me to remember this daily, because I fall short daily. Rarely is the check list ever fully checked or the to-do list fully done. In those moments, I am hyperaware of my own insufficiency, and I can’t help but wonder if my husband is, too.

Does he think I am worthless? Does he wish he had a better wife? Is he ashamed of my work or our home? Is there something he would like to say but isn’t?

If I don’t check this criticalness, it does surely lead to the type of shame that makes me dejected. That makes me hide, feel unmotivated, and hopeless that I may never get things perfect— so what’s the point?

But when I do check these feelings of imperfection, they lead to the type of shame that makes me say “Abba Yah, your grace is sufficient. Thank you for all that You have accomplished today.” I start to feel like not only can I do better, but that I am already good enough. That my worth is not based on my performance. That there is a goal more important in this endeavor than to create a perfect home or life: it is to offer a holy sacrifice to Yahuah— something which can only be accomplished with an upright heart.

I’ve forced myself to be the perfect person so much that every mistake or imperfection feels like the end

I sometimes forget that I am a work in progress. I believe at one point in my walk, perhaps when sisters began turning to me for counsel or advice, I started to imagine myself as more refined than I may well be. I began to see the image that sisters saw of me, as someone who is walking in the Truth, modest, humble, warm, loving, wise, and disciplined. I began to fear the idea of not living up to that. So much so that it was no longer the image I sought to uphold online, but it was permeating throughout my daily life and endeavors.

I had lost all grace for myself.

Any type of stumble felt like the end of the world.

Clean clothes left unfolded on the couch for a week? I’m a failure. Raised my voice at my husband? I am a fraud. Holding a grudge against someone? I might as well give up.

I felt as though nothing about me was holy, and this became a self-fulfilling prophesy the more I fixated on my shortcomings instead of Yahuah’s Power.

I’m writing this mostly to reflect and also to encourage you, dear readeress. Perfectionism leads to the type of shame that kills our motivation and sense of self-worth. Here’s how I’m overcoming it and encouraging you to implement:

Prayer

Can you really ever pray enough? I don’t believe so. To ask Yahuah, to implore of His Majesty, to get understanding, to find provision, to receive comfort, to find revelation, to acquire protection. The possibilities of prayer are boundless, and there we will find grace for our imperfection that leads to shamefacedness not shame.

Reading the Word

His Word is more powerful than any two-edged sword. It is a discerner of thoughts. One of my favorite litmus tests is to read the Bible, and carefully examine the thoughts I have while doing so. For instance, if I read about Yahuah doing something good for someone (like Ruth or King David), and I think to myself “He’d never do that for me!” Then I know I have a problem on my hands and something to pray about. This applies across the board, for the bad but also the good. The Word does put a great emphasis on having control of the mind, and even suggests that real life transformations occur when our minds are renewed (Romans 12:1-2).

The Bible therefor is my doctor, my psychiatrist. Who can shine light into my mind and show me where bad fruits are blossoming and where I can find the root.

Affirming the Word

The Word is true, powerful, healing, comforting, alive, and very sweet. When I feel insecure, a simple “I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” (Psalm 139) fights the enemies lies about my worth.

Similarly, when I’m afraid, “He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken” (Psalms‬ ‭62‬:‭2‬) keeps me grounded and cool.

To affirm something simply means to declare it as a fact. When we do this with the Word, we are reminded of what’s already immutable truth in a way which comforts our hearts. This is especially helpful since we as humans tend to fixate on temporal life instead of eternal life.

Praising Yahuah

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭100‬:‭4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Praise IS the key that opens Heavens door. Not just something we do once inside. Worship and thanksgiving is the secret password. When I find myself at a loss of words, hurting, confused, with seemingly unanswered prayers, I praise my LORD. I lift up His Mighty Name. I bless Him because He is worthy.

It’s an instant mood booster. Instant pacifier. Instant oasis of peace. Instant connection to the God of Abraham. It’s like bringing heaven on earth and more importantly right into the room with me wherever I am. Things don’t always make sense, nor do they work out how we plan. But with praise, I am guaranteed a moment of medicinal stillness that I can’t find anywhere else.

Protecting My Mind

The mind is the seat of the soul, and out of it flow the issues of life. More often than not, I find that my feelings are a reflection of my thoughts or a result of things I’ve been consuming. Particularly as it pertains to malignant shame, I’ve found it most helpful to get familiar with my own patterns of negativity.

For instance, I know that if I spend too much time on Instagram, I become very insecure. About my looks, my walk in the Truth or my home, or even my family. Knowing this helps me limit Instagram scrolling before the insecurities have a chance to weigh me down. This is guarding my mind.

I’m also someone who has struggled with pornography and masturbation. I’ve learned to foresee my own signs of temptation and weakness: too much lounging alone in bed, too many sex scenes in movies, or sometimes even if a romance novel gets too steamy. I know my triggers like the back of my hand, and I guard my life by protecting my mind from acting upon temptation.

This is a practice I encourage for all women seeking to be more feminine. Observe yourself. Journal. Take some time after each day to reflect on what happened, who you interacted with, how you felt, where you stumbled and where you succeeded. This is how we troubleshoot what doesn’t work and enhance what does. Every so often, I like to sit and write behaviors I’ve been engaging lately that I do without thinking about. Then I go through. pick what I want to keep and work on replacing the rest with better alternatives. This is especially helpful if you can’t afford a psychiatrist or therapist.

Perfectionism is a disorder of the mind, and therefore has no power over the woman whose mind is well guarded. Being a wife, homemaker, mother and woman in general is already difficult enough. We only slow ourselves down even further when we entertain self-condemnation and withhold grace from ourselves.

I realized I will always be a work in progress until the Kingdom arrives and all things will have been perfected. Until then, I owe it to myself, my husband, my daughter, and my Creator to do my best and just let YHWH do the rest. What else can I do, really? Is there even anything more our Lord requires of us?