It’s a New Year, if you’re an Israelite following the Biblical Calender. The time of blossoms and blooms. Renewal, reflection, and recreation. And the perfect time to set goals, reduce habits that don’t serve us, and find more reasons and ways to be grateful for all that Yahuah has done, from the greatest to the least.
Well what comes to mind when I think about how I’ve grown the most in the last year is Homemaking. More specifically, how we lost our home and the mistakes that I personally made in that home. Namely where budgeting, expenses and time managenent were concerned.
I think I’ve gained a lot of wisdom over the past year. We lost that home in February 2023. It’s now May 2024. The biggest lesson I would say I’ve learned is to not delay seeking the wisdom of the Lord. He answers, he’s faithful to deliver, and having urgency for His salvation makes a huge difference in how things work out.
The second biggest lesson I think I learned from that experience is to never underestimate my impact as the homemaker. I didn’t realize how special my presence was in my home, and maybe even felt unappreciated. As a result i lost consistency in keeping the home. Not just the usual cooking and cleaning. I mean having an eye for the tiny details, beautifying things. Planning an itinerary. I no longer spent my money/allowance on the home or even on maintaining myself. Instead I spent it on games and vanity.
As we enter this new season and thus a new home, I am mindful of these lessons. I’m not going to lie, it’s pretty intimidating when I think about doing it all over again. Going from living with our in-laws, back to our own place.
I’ll once again be the lady of the house, responsible for keeping its affairs in order. Not just cooking and cleaning but it’s true affairs. And this time with a baby present. I’ll need to worry less and pray more, especially where my impact is concerned. I wasted so much time in the past questioning am I enough , am I doing enough, should I instead be doing a 9-5… that I missed countless opportunities to be the best at what I had already been appointed to be. A Homemaker.
I guess I’m so used to people not really wanting me around that I didn’t even think my presence was a difference, honestly. Growing up, and even into early adulthood, I’d experienced people minimizing my input, from conversations, to the help I contributed in the kitchen and elsewhere. I was expected to stay in my room or the designated space for me, do as told and nothing more, and make as little difference as possible.
I carried this mentality into marriage. In my first year of homemaking full time, I was on top of everything. Fresh flowers, laundry folded, groceries stocked, you name it. Almost every day, I’d wake up, have quiet time, open the blinds, put on my apron and get to work. I felt seen, valued, and meaningful as a presence in our little apartment.
But after the birth control depression took hold of me, and I stopped seeing my husband as someone who actually wanted and needed me, I completely fell off (no longer on BC and never plan to get back on it, praise Abba). I only thought of my husband as someone who enjoyed having me around, but didn’t really see me as more than an accessory or luxury if you will. I thought of myself like brilliant new curtains, imported from Iran. Nice to have, but really, any old curtains will do. Curtains are curtains after all.
That’s one thing I wasn’t prepared to understand about homemaking. The niche homemaking community online and in academia emphasize your impact in cooking, cleaning, keeping things orderly, childrearing. There is minimal emphasis on our intangible impact. And even less emphasis on women learning to build upon those unique gifts and talents that may offer our families an experience that is uniquely their own.
So, sure, I cooked, cleaned, prayed even. And I was under the impression that was all that homemaking required of me for quite some time. I wasn’t aware that Yahuah wanted my soft voice, my gentle touch, my eye for detail, my writing skills, and even my laughter to be His tools in building my home. It still confounds me to think this, even as I type.
I guess I didn’t really consider the entirety of my being as something worthy to put on the table, until I noticed my husband wasn’t satisfied. Not in an annoying never satisfied kind of way. But I saw subtle changes in him that let me know he wasn’t really okay. He slept less and when he did, he tossed and turned. His mind was muddied. He started scrolling more, and dare I say, he began stealing away more often. You know, the way husbands sit in the car or in the bathroom for an hour after a long day of work before interacting with you… Something I wasn’t used to him doing.
He wasn’t a complainer. But even without his being vocal, I understood I was missing something. The issue was that I cooked, cleaned, and made it a point to offer him a foot rub every single week. However, if I’m being honest, I was otherwise very preoccupied. I had stopped relaxing with him at the end of a long day and instead wanted to play video games by myself. I stopped eating dinner beside him and instead ate while I played the game. It even came to a point where I stayed up late at night to game, or stay up late to write because I felt like I never had enough time during the day to enjoy things that pleased me.
In hindsight, I was truly under the impression that all he’d needed from me was the bare minimum. I was unable to wrap my mind around the idea that he actually… wanted me.
Funnily enough, I also realized I was treating The Most High the same way. I prayed because I was supposed to. I did my best because I was supposed to. I loved others and forgave them and served them because I was supposed to.
One day, I believe I was having quiet-time, and The Most High made it clear to me that He wanted me. I think I asked, “What is the purpose of my prayer today?” or something to that end. And if I recall correctly, His answer was, “To be with me.”
“But I’m with you everyday,” I thought. “You literally live in me!”
“Are you truly with me everyday or are you somewhere else?”
And it kind of hit me. That I was at home, but somewhere else entirely at the same time. The same way I was praying and reading the Word because I knew I needed to do it… not because I enjoyed it or wanted to truly hear from my Father. I think the same thing happened in my home. I followed my routine because if I didn’t, our lives would’ve fallen apart. I was operating out of necessity, maybe even bondage. Instead of having joy, hopeful expectation or true realization in homemaking.
I’m kind of hurt, I feel like I’ve betrayed myself in this way. How can I not see how valuable I am, even after all these years and all the ways Yahuah has shown me just how much I mean to Him? How could I continue to minimize the way my mood, voice, and gait would influence the energy of my family? How could my self esteem be so low, that I convinced myself my family was better off if I was holed up and glued to a computer screen, instead of giving them my full attention?
It’s a shame, I thought they preferred to be elsewhere. That my husband preferred to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else, as opposed to enjoying not just the peace and order I’ve created at home… but enjoying it with me.
My husband was sick a couple weeks ago, with a serious tummy ache. Now, having recently had our second child, I didn’t see myself as in a position to be everything for him in that moment. I had to tend to the baby, who is breastfed and co-sleeping.
My husband climbed into bed during nap time to my surprise, and asked me to rub his stomach. I stopped what I was doing, though frustrated, and rubbed his stomach for maybe ten minutes. By the time I was done, he had fallen asleep. When he woke up again, he said he felt much better.
The homemaker in me would have prescribed him a bath, some soup, and a nice nap. Maybe even some Tylenol. The logical thing to do. But the lover in him, the human in him, only really needed… me. My touch, presence, essence. How much do we really overlook these opportunities to serve in these really awesomely unique ways because we are leading with our heads and not our hearts?
That’s what I don’t want to do, as we move into our own home again. I don’t want to miss these moments any more, convincing myself I won’t be important or effective in what I see as insignificant moments. I want to make the most out of every second. Every meal. Every nap time. Every story hour. Every Holy Day… I want to be… present.
Whats Your Focus This Year?
