I like to think of myself as the female Job.

Well, if you ask my husband, I LOVE to think of myself as the female Job. It’s oddly satisfying.

Humbled by life. Tested in the fire. Having everything I know and love ripped from my arms with no comprehension as to why– confounded by the only answer there is: “Because Yahuah can.”

Bitterly enduring. Surrounded by friends who in knowing much know very little. Hoping for the opportunity to explain to My Creator that I deserve more than this from Him.

But, I get hope. Job’s story doesn’t end with his being humbled by YAH. No, that wouldn’t be very encouraging.

And YAHUAH blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning…”
Job 42:12

If you read my posts from the early months of this blog, I talk about my rough childhood, struggles, and pain. I don’t speak much of it because YAHUAH has redeemed me from my past. However, I realize that I didn’t talk much about the Light He gave me in my darkness, and not just His Salvation.

I don’t wanna just brag on how He saved me. I wanna talk about how He heard me. How He comforted me in my suffering. How He made me come before with nail pierced hands, so thirsty. I wanna talk about how He gave me hope and showed me how to hang on to this hope.

I want to remember Him.

Not just enjoy salvation and being able to say I escaped that life because of Him.

I cried so much, Zion. I hurted so much (I know hurted ain’t a word!). I was shattered from the moment I came into the world. I had nothing, knew nothing, and feared that my entire life would be a cursed existence.

I was so convinced that if there was a god that he absolutely did not give a crap about me. I mean it. I was so angry with this god that everyone praises and worships and brags about all He’s done for them.

I sought after Him SOOOOOOOOOO hard, Zion. I wailed, and wept, and mourned. My poverty, my oppression, my lowliness was a burden much too heavy on my soul and I knew if I didn’t find Him, I would walk away from this life without ever even having lived it.

Misery had me yolked at the throat. I hated everything about life, about myself, about those around me. I desperately wanted to be someone else– preferably someone who knew this “God” that everyone says is so Wonderful (and He is).

And you know, in all those tears, begging, weeping, questioning, and requesting of YAH, I never once imagined my current reality would be the beauty He had in store for me.

I try to think of it everyday.

I used to say, “There’s no way my life will get better. I’m doomed to live in poverty, darkness– forsaken, abandoned, purposeless. There’s no point in living.”

I believed that with my whole heart. For years.

And when I hoped and prayed for Yah to just do something, do ANYTHING for me, I asked for a little. I asked for a tiny. I asked for a small. I asked for a minor.

“You have Power,” I would say to Him, “That’s what they say about You. I would like to see it.”

My expectations were the size of a mustard seed. I looked around me with envy of the lives of people who would never know the ghetto trenches I had sprung from. He would never do that for me, I would say. He loves them more than me obviously.

But let me tell you about my FATHER!

Whew. HalleluYah! But The Blood!

Not just that He rescued me from that misery and gave me a new life, a new name, and new wealth beyond all riches. But let me tell you about how He cradled me. Let me tell you about how He never forsook me. Let me tell you about how He drew near to me. Let me tell you about how patient He was with me. Let me tell you about how gently He had spoken to me.

It’s not about being freed from a situation. But having a companion in those dark moments. He was my companion. He didn’t always give me what I wanted right when I wanted it, or make my life into my own idea of perfect. But He listened, He cared, He spoke, He comforted, He dwelled with me.

I don’t remember Him just for being my Savior. I remember Him for holding my hand as I took my first steps. I remember Him for loving me.

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth…”
1 Corinthians 13:4-6

He was love to me. He was everything to me in my darkness that love is as defined by His Word. And as I remember that darkness, I see that darkness doesn’t mean an absence of His Love. His love endureth all things!

Your situation doesn’t reflect His love for you. Whether you have this or that isn’t a telltale of whether He cares for you. Your feelings and material reality are not indicators of His affections towards you.

For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith YAHUAH that hath mercy on thee.”
Isaiah 54:10

Life will hurt. We will see the valley of dry bones. We will face persecution. We will experience what it means to grow in the wilderness, to rise from the concrete. We will lament, mourn, and lose. But one thing stands forever: He will not take away His Love.

I’m a firm believer that my latter half is going to be much more beyond my beginning. It was my hope, and I see it now. But the deliverance didn’t come from literally being delivered from a situation. It came from realizing that I was never without the Love that I always sought. And you aren’t without that love, either.

If you have misery and lamentation, if you are in your Job season, or feel like you are a Job, understand that you will never waste your tears on Him. He will trade you beauty for your ashes. Merciful is His Name.

Mourning shared with Him is the fellowship He seeks. He doesn’t seek the happy-go-lucky, invincible super-human that you think you have to be to please Him. You know what pleases Him? Love.

That’s just the kind of Father He is. He is merciful, thoughtful, and gentle. Remember Him. Have remembrance on His Name. Recall how He appeared as you wept, and feel Him in your present weeping. Be still with Him and know He Is.