Shloma, Tribe 🙂
Oh, boy, am I late! Well, it’s only been a week. But I had planned to update you guys beforehand. However, life. Am I right?
I did have a wonderful time with family.
For the final day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, we had a feast.
And by feast, I mean we had stuffed bell peppers. LOL
Look, don’t judge. After a week of making fresh bread once every two days, you get burnt out in the kitchen. The bell peppers turned out great nonetheless. I used ground turkey and quinoa instead of ground beef and rice. The flavor was lovely and I enjoyed the consistency. I was sneaking bites before anyone knew they were even done hehe.
The week was also filled with lots of joy and laughter. My daughter and I enjoyed alone time at the neighborhood parks (we made sure to social distance). I was able to spend time with my grandmother for her birthday, and my own mother this past Shabbat for her birthday meal at my sister’s place. And my husband and I have gotten more in sync, harmonious, and on track about some goals for this Biblical Yaqobian New Year.
My daughter, let’s call her Lani (for security I will not be saying her birth name), observed nature with me and learned a thing or two about bugs. We pointed out the hustle and prowess of fire ants, the softness and beauty of butterflies, and we even spotted a bird’s nest emerging in the Magnolia tree in our yard. I was fascinated with her fascination, and honestly, she taught me a thing or two as well.
The main thing that I hold on to from our time in nature, is that imagination can feed one’s soul. Playfulness, joy, and laughter really brightened up my drab week honestly. I guess with the plague that is taking place all over the globe, it’s hard to feign real security.
But insecurity doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the blessings of Hayah. I’m one proud mama, I’ll just say that.
I even enjoyed swinging on the swing at the park, and really just getting out of my own mind for a while. It felt therapeutic to escape, and bask in some warm sunshine. Flowers are blooming, the grass is green again, and temperatures are getting warmer by the day. I love Spring so much.
One thing that stuck out to me most prominently during the Festival Week, was the beauty of little things.
Little moments. Little pleasures. Little gatherings. Little snacks. Little creatures. Little prayers. Little whispers of confirmation from HaYah.
The little things really have been keeping me sane. It’ the way the sun shines. It’s the way the birds sing. It’s the way small opportunities to bless others and receive blessings come out of (seemingly) nowhere. I know they come from my Father though.
Speaking of fathers, I’ve been thinking about my earthly one a lot lately. Being that this week was a week of staying away from sin, and pointing out and removing existing sin, I think there’s a reason he’s been on my mind.
I need to forgive him. I need to stop cursing his name whenever my siblings mention him. I need to move on from his absence and the damage he’s caused with his carelessness and selfishness.
It’s easier to say ‘Turn the other cheek’ than to actually do it. I don’t know what I’m holding on to, though. For two years now, I’ve accepted that my dad is not going to be in my life, contribute to my life, celebrate my life, or really be a man in general if I’m being honest. My whole life, he’s been absent, and it took me about 18 years to accept that he was not going to change no matter how much he appeared to be different.
I just turned 21, and since accepting it and attempting to move on, I still often find myself bitter, angry, and spiteful towards a man I haven’t spoken to since 2018. It isn’t fair to my current life and the joy and blessings being spoiled by bitterness. It isn’t fair to my husband who has been a great provider and protector but periodically has to hear me rage on about my dad. And most of all, it isn’t just in the eyes of Yah, who has called me to be a set apart woman no matter what.
I’ve tried to pray for my dad consistently, forgive him, ask the Most High to show me how I can let go. I think I make progress, and I let it go for a month or two. But then, his name is brought up, and I roll my eyes, huff, disengage from the conversation, or only contribute how terrible he is as a father.
It was so yummmmm
If nothing else, the week of Unleavened Bread showed me that not only is this a hidden sin in my heart, it’s also an ongoing sin in my life that I have yet to give up.
“Honor thy father and thy mother.”
I try to remember these words. I try to hold fast to this commandment. I try to resist the evil temptation to think, ‘I can honor my father and still not acknowledge him. I can honor my father and still not care about him. I can honor my father and still not let him into my life again.’
It’s just not true, and there’s no way around it. To honor someone means to show them respect and revere them. I’ll be the first to admit that I neither respect nor revere him or anything about him except the great eyes that he passed along to me. But the way I feel isn’t Biblical, and it won’t be blessed. So I’m really looking for the vulnerability to lay it all bare, tell him exactly how he hurt me, and also seek his forgiveness for my own sins as well.
I’ve been reminded also that two wrongs don’t equal right. Fire doesn’t put out fire. This is something I’ve long struggled with, too. Not being petty, tit-for-tat, and spiteful even if I think someone deserves it for what they’ve done. However, for me, I’d rather lay aside the petty, and give people the silent treatment. I can go days, weeks, months, years, and decades without initiating contact or responding. Some call it a grudge, others call it setting boundaries, but Yah calls it having a hardened heart.
That’s one thing I don’t want. A hardened heart. I’ve come so far and worked so hard to get where I am. I can’t afford to be set back by something as little as truly forgiving my father and moving on. I love my dad, I wished he would have been there for his three children and his wife, and I’m disappointed at who he is today and the ways he continues to destroy things we’ve worked hard to build without him. But I’m opening a new chapter of my life, and bitterness about fatherlessness isn’t written anywhere in it.
If you’re reading this, send up a prayer to The Most High on my behalf please. The little girl in me is still waiting for a father to swing her around in the air, buy her gifts, come to her volleyball games, ask about her grades, screen her boyfriends, and tell her she is worthy of love and respect.
Pray that I release the pain and anger. Pray that I can initiate contact if it’s Yah’s will. Pray that I can honor my father because I love Yah.
And pray that I accept the fatherly affection, authority, and protection of HaYah, too. That I would lean into Him. That I would look to Him when I need to feel that love. That I wouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to put my heart on the Altar and lay it all bare before him.
Thank you in advance.
Similarly, if you have a prayer request, share it with me. I’d love to pray over you in a phone call, or simply send up a prayer on your behalf the next time I pray. I know in these wild times, prayer is in extraordinarily high demand. Thankfully, answers are always in supply.
No matter what’s going on with you though, don’t forget who is in control. Don’t forget His promises to you as His Heir or Heiress. And don’t forget to enjoy the little things while you wait for those promises to be fulfilled.
Rejoicing is one of the purest forms of worship. It shows our Abba that even though things may not look ideal (in our own minds at least) that we’re still here to serve, worship, obey, and celebrate Him with all that we have, even if we have nothing.
It’s easier said than done, I know. But the next time you feel that wave of depression, anxiety, fear, restlessness, worry, anger, or frustration coming on, just say a word of worship. Say a word of praise. Tell Abba that you thank Him. Watch the Ruach work.
I hope this New Year starts off with the removal of sin & the addition of His Peace for you and yours. It was great to vent to you (LOL) and share the blessings of Unleavened Bread with you.
May Yah protect your family and bring your heart into submission towards His Word.
Shloma 🙂
